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My 14-year-olds Don't Have Smart Phones (and I Have No Judgment if Yours Do)

Let me start with this: I get it. Every family is different. You’ve got your own set of circumstances, values, and unique kids, and that means making the right decisions for them. If your kids have smartphones, you won’t hear a word of judgment from me. I imagine you already get more than your share of judgment on your parenting simply by being a parent (as I probably will for sharing my story)!


But every time I mention my teens don't have them I get the side-eye, so I thought I’d share what was behind our choice. It’s a decision that has everything to do with the realities of what smartphones can mean for kids. Honestly, there’s a lot to consider, and like most parents we find it a bit overwhelming.


The Real Risks of Constant Access

My kids are incredibly unfortunate in the fact that their mom really likes to read up on the latest studies regarding child development and parenting...and sometimes the research is downright alarming. Recent studies on social media and its impact on teenagers make me feel uncomfortable about giving my kids access to it 24/7. There are some genuinely scary findings about how it affects their mental health, especially in terms of anxiety, depression, and body image. And let's not even talk about the porn! I’m not quite ready to have all of that in their pockets, following them wherever they go.


I want them to be fully present when they’re out in the world—talking to friends, taking in their surroundings, and just being human without a screen between them and their experiences. And I don’t want them crossing the street with their faces buried in a phone, something I see all too often.


Balancing Safety and Access

But I also get that safety is multi-faceted. That’s why we had “dumb” phones—simple flip phones that they could use on field trips. Nothing fancy, just something they could use to call or text if they needed us or got separated from their group. That worked well...until last summer.


We spent the summer as usual, where my husband grew up along the Niagara River. It's been a tradition for the kids to walk or bike along the water front as a way to get some exercise and time in nature. The twins used to walk together, but the last couple of years they've wanted more alone time (reasonable). The community is pretty small and has always felt safe, so I was comfortable with the plan; after all, I'm always talking about increasing independence and autonomy!


Until my daughter came home crying.


Like pretty much every other woman on the planet, she'd finally encountered a "creepy guy." She was fine, truly, and handled herself like a boss. But the incident frightened her, and that was the catalyst for a change. It was time to take the next step and give them their flip phones pretty much all the time (still no phones in their bedrooms, though, because sleep is hard enough).


Why We’re Waiting on Smartphones

So our kids have their own "dumb phones" now, which means they're the only ones in their friend group to get cramps in their thumbs every time they send a text. Of course we've had discussions around why we've made this decision, and while it's easy to focus on the fears and negatives, it's important they know our decision is about more than that.


It's also about giving them time to grow into these responsibilities. It’s about maturity. We’ve discussed (respectfully) with our kids that if they really want smartphones, they can buy their own. It might sound harsh at first, but the conversations have been fruitful! We talk about figuring out how much money they'd need, how they can earn that money, where they can keep that money, etc. That opens up conversations about money management in general, and what the costs of living actually are. We've also talked about how they'll continue to grow and mature, and once they're ready to actually make that investment, they’ll likely have the maturity to handle the tough stuff—whether that’s handling social media, online interactions, distractions, or yes, porn.


In the meantime, we’re scaffolding the skills they need by helping them navigate those challenges on their computers, where we can supervise and guide them. It’s not about keeping them from the digital world—it’s about pacing their entry into it in a way that feels right for our family.


Connection Is Our Goal

Not everyone has this luxury. Some kids need smartphones for practical reasons, like transportation or co-parenting situations. Some families use them as a way to stay connected, and that connection matters. Some neurodiverse kids need smartphones for self-regulation. Or a dozen other reasons that may or may not be apparent to the rest of the world. The bottom line is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer.


Which is why I'm sharing our story, no judgment attached. It’s not about being better or different—it’s about doing what we think is right for our kids, right now, in this stage of their lives. And as we continue to grow and learn alongside them, my hope is that we'll be able to continue the conversations and increase our connection. Because at the end of the day, for me, it's not whether or not the kids should have [insert latest tech toy here]. It's how we talk to one another, share our thoughts and concerns, and work through challenges as a family. And most importantly, twenty years from now I want my kids to use whatever technology is available to call and talk to me. (Fingers crossed they'll be willing to scaffold me as I learn how to call them back!)




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2 Comments


Irina Guseva
Irina Guseva
Oct 10, 2024

This post is judgment in itself ….

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Kristene Geering, MA
Kristene Geering, MA
Oct 11, 2024
Replying to

I am genuinely sorry if that's the underlying message for you or anyone else. It's a hard decision and there are a lot of factors. Interestingly, I often feel judgment when I say they don't have Smartphones! We're so quick to judge other parents when what we really need is support and often just an ear or a shoulder for the tough times. I'm curious what is it that carries that feeling for you? How could I phrase things differently so they landed in a way that reflects my intention, of sharing my story and the process we went through? More examples of other choices? A different title? What's the best way to open the conversation about phones or technology in…

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